55 Things Clint Barton Is Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
by Hamsta97
Summary: Basically what the title says.


**Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter universe. **

**A/N: 55 things Clint Barton is not allowed to do at Hogwarts. **

This list was made by Clint Barton's fellow Hogwartians. If he breaks any of the rules below then all of the 53 photos taken while drunk or Dean and Tony will dye his hair pink with permanent hair dye.

Clint will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons and insist that their house colours mean that they are covered with bees.

No matter how good Clint's fake Australian accent is, he will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

Growing marijuana, cannabis, ecstasy or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not 'an extra credit project for Herbology' no matter how much he grows. He is also not allowed to sell it to pure-bloods and convince them that it is a spinach-like vegetable.

'I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name' is not a challenge, regardless of the hilarity of the jokes.

Clint is not allowed to attempt to breed a liger even if Hagrid did cross Manticores with Fire Crabs.

Clint will not go to class wearing his birthday suit.

The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball, even if it is prettier than Eloise Midgen.

Clint will not use Umbridge's quill to write 'I told you I was hardcore bitch'.

Clint will stop referring to showering as 'giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful' not least because Natasha gets jealous.

Polishing his wand in the common room is acceptable. 'Polishing his wand' in the common room is not.

If a classmate falls asleep, Clint will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

House elves and Slytherins are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

Clint will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

'Springtime for Voldemort' is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

Seamus Finnegan is not 'after me Lucky Charms' as Clint so charmingly puts it as it is slightly racist.

Clint will not refer to the Weasley twins as 'bookends'.

Clint will not refer to the Patil twins as 'bookends'.

The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not 'Rocky Horror'.

Thor's half-brother is called Loki Laufeyson not 'An uglyass reindeer'.

It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that 'Once you go Black, you never go back.'

Clint will not bet on how many cauldrons Neville will melt or how many accidents he will have over the course of the school year.

Clint will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class even if it is more accurate than Professor Trelawney.

Clint is not to refer to the Potions classroom as 'Masterchef'.

Clint will not tell Ron and Hermione to 'get a room' whenever they start fight because last time he did that Ron made him vomit slugs and Hermione hexed him.

The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

Clint is not a hawk Animagus.

Clint is allowed to have a toad, rat, cat or owl. He is even allowed a hawk at a push. Clint is not allowed to have a boa constrictor, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil or piranha.

Clint does not weigh the same as a goose.

Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

Bruce Banner does not want a flea collar.

Clint will not lick Trevor. Or Natasha.

Clint will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

Clint is not being repressed. He does not have the mental capacities to be repressed.

Calling Lucius Malfoy 'Luscious Mouthful' is just disgusting.

Clint will not change the password to the prefects' bathroom to 'Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty'.

There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong therefore Clint is not allowed to ask Natasha to wear one as last time she broke his jaw.

Clint is not a Pinball Wizard.

Asking 'How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?' and walking away is only funny once.

Clint will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

Clint will not offer to pose nude for Natasha Romanoff.

It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

It is a terrible idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

Clint will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

Clint will stop asking when we will learn to make 'Love Potion Number Nine'.

Clint will not ask Dumbledore to show him the pointy hat trick.

Clint will not greet Professor McGonagall with 'What's new, pussycat?'

There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts and Clint is not a member of that house nor is he its founder.

Clint will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

Clint will not scream 'Earthquake! Earthquake!' when Rubeus Hagrid sits down.

Clint will not attempt to creep up on Professor Fury's blind side.

Clint will not offer to buy Professor Fury a parrot to match his eyepatch. It is not funny and it is offensive.

Clint will not refer to Mad-Eye Moody as Long John Silver or he will turn him into a ferret, again.

Clint will not ask if Kingsley Shacklebolt wants an eyepatch to match Professor Fury.

Clint will not tell Thor that Draco Malfoy ate the last of poptarts because last time he did Malfoy was in the hospital wing for three weeks.


End file.
